And I Wondered Why

Do you realize that everything that happens in the present is affected by your past? I’ve been thinking about my choices, particularly the men I choose to spend time with. This is what I’ve come to realize.

Pariguallos! About all of them. They have a lot of common ground. I run things. They let me. I am stronger. They let me prey on their weakness. I am quick to run away if I even feel a hint of an emotional attachment! I get to sit back and watch the confusion on their faces. I do ANYTHING I have to do to get away cleanly!

I have lied and pretended to have real feelings for guys who are scared of commitment (I was bored and didn’t know how to tell him). I have pretended true attraction, bordering on physical infatuation for a guy who declared celibacy (Sorry, you were right, I was really with my ex). I have been totally honest to a guy who couldn’t handle it (yeah I REALLY didn’t want to be with him). I’ve gotten tired of stalkers and crazies so I’ve even gotten good at seeing the signs and making them feel they walked away.

It’s funny that the mere mention of true commitment: implied, exagerated or confused can push me over the edge. A friend says that I am a habitual run away. I run and I hide as soon as I can! I realized why. I am still in the grieving stage…

Crazy thing is, it’s not the failed marriage with the cheating husband that I am grieving (1998-2006). It’s not the long term boyfriend that came before him that I am grieving (1994-1996). I am still in the healing process from an abusive relationship that happened way back when (1994).

That pain, that grief, that feeling still makes me cold. Still makes me run away. Still makes me hide in my room. Still makes distances skewed. Still makes forests, woods, parks a place of fear. Heart palpitating. Nerves jiggling. Teeth chattering. Earth standing still. FEAR!

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