Lesson Learned

I haven’t always had a great time, I have had rough patches in my life filled with the type of crap that could fell a dam elephant. Pounce-Pounce-Pounce

It’s kinda crazy, that I have made that analogy multiple times in my history and it wasn’t till very recently that I saw how true it really was…

Expectation can be a bit of a bitch, it is the thing that makes you truly believe that things will be different this time. How many of us are honestly surprised to do the same old-same old and get the same crappy results that we got the last 2 billion times? Well, I am no exception. I am a fruit cake, I should be cooked, wrapped in pretty paper, put into a pretty tin, stuck in the mail and then be mistakenly lost for thinking things would be different simply because I REALLY WANTED THEM TO BE.

How many of us do it? Here is my story…year after year I hae maintained a friendship that seemed unhealthy. I kept it current. I let things fester. I let myself be hurt. Repeatedly. I have a clue, normally. I have backbone, naturally. I am opinionated. I don’t back up and yet and yet and yet. I let this person repeatedly get away with being inappropriate. That’s not to say that I never let the person know…

It’s really to say that I got so tired of telling the person about their inappropriateness that eventually I became lax. I ignored it as a character trait, excused it as a flaw. Eventually realizing the person would never-ever change and the catalyst for change had to be me. Could I change? And so I did!

I made an executive decision not to allow words to hurt me, not all words not from all people but at least the words from this particular person. I decided to take stock of my boundaries, set them, mold them and pull them close around me. I began to protect my self. I decided to start easy, you know, determining that leverage and ammunition were mine to share or to hold. I could continue to give this individual personal access to my life, my stories, my hurts and pains and then act surprised when they were used against me in a court of life or I could put a blanket around my life and snuggle under it, in a layer of protection from outside forces and influences. Stomp-Stomp-Stomp

Know what I noticed, realized even? That if I kept my mouth shut sometimes the likelihood of being hurt decreased. I locked my door, shut off the light, closed the windows…

Did I mention shutting off the light so people wouldn’t even know I was home?…

Turns out I have a problem with boundaries, I am a true Gemini and took my life to the other extreme. It became unhealthy. I spoke to my mom about it, or she spoke to me about it and her suggestion was kinda cool. She said: Open a window and turn on a light dummmmmmmy! Turn on the light so YOU can see, so you can find a clue. And open a window, so some people, the ones that count, the ones that matter can pull a ladder up to it when you need/want to talk! She is right. Don’t tell her, but sometimes, I’ve now even gotten to the point where I open the door for a little while and let people inside, not everyone gets a pass though! Lesson Learned.


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