Who am I

So, this question came from a phone conversation.  I was talking to a potential…he is asking me all kinds of random questions that he kinda wanted to know stuff about.  You know the typical stuff: who are your friends what do you like to do for fun what are you getting into this weekend and whatnot…

And out of sheer boredom I decided to reciprocate and ask him in kind, except my questions are about the things that matter to me, so I asked him…with a serious tone, remember he couldn’t see my “dead” a$$ expression, I asked him, “WHO ARE YOU?”

Response, silence.  He thought for a bit and finally gave me his generic, tepid lame a$$ answer to which all I could think was, if you don’t know who you are why should I care to get to know you further? 

Then I thought, a better question is who are you, Chica?!   And my answer astounded me. 

I am just me! I love MOST things when I am happy! I love to watch movies while curled up in my Pj’s with my hair up and my toes out, unless it’s cold and then I have on socks! My favorite actors of all time have to be the Johns: Travolta, Cusak, Leguziamo and Depp!  Shaking my head at my self.  I didn’t ask me what makes me happy…

Favorite Things: I am a typical girl in my obsession with shoes. I especially love them on sale! Jeans and high heels are a must, funky jewelry takes you anywhere and makes me, personally, feel like a girl. I enjoy having my nails done, manis and pedis are a must and love being spoiled by the hairstylist!! I love to travel, and I guess my favorite places have these things in common: good food, good shopping, cool shoes and awesome museums. Did I mention friends are a must to my very survival?!  Rolling my eyes.  I didn’t ask for a list of my favorite things Do-do Head…

Favorite Time of Year: I love the park in the fall/spring and my couch in the winter! I love to take pictures of the things that excite me, and sometimes it can be as simple as a rainbow, or as cool as a doorway. To me the world is nothing more than Gods personal art project.  Beautifully stated, but still not getting into the gist of the question…THINK!!

Favorite Thing to Read: So, unlike most girls (women) my age, I love to read comic books. Yep, you read that correctly. Transmetropolitan, Hellblazer, Dark Knight, Bone!! I am a very well read adult. I read classics too: Shakespeare, Gone with the Wind, The Three Musketeers…but I love my comic books. Especially any graphic novel with Todd Klein as the letterer! I enjoy Sandman, and Neil Gaiman is a must in my life. As well as Sailormoon! Oh did I mention my recent obsession with Pearls Before Swine!!  Great Scott, Chica, what are you just a list of your likes, there’s gotta be more to you than that…

Who are you?  Who are you?  Who am I ?  Who…Am…I:

I am a child of God, or godess or God and Atabey or simply creator.  I am a child of my family.  I am confused, confusing and astonishing.  Who I am is a work in progress an evolving masterpiece in the making.  I get to know me a bit better every day.  Most of the time I like me.  Some of the times, not so much.  But guess what.  Atleast I am becoming more aware of my faults.  I jump when I should stroll.  I run when I should stand.  I laugh when I want to cry.  But sometimes, I cry when the mood strikes, and I am genuine in my actions.  I am honest, to a fault, but never intentionally mean, rude or callous.  I love whom and what I love with all my heart, even as I say good bye and please stop calling me.  I am a work in progress that knows that if there is no more work to be done on my self, death must have arrived.

How about you?  Who are you?  Take the time and answer this question for yourself.  You don’t even have to put your name on it.

Clipped Wings and All

Okay, time to get real…so, people wonder the reason why men don’t last in my life and I always give them the “nice girl” response, uum, you know, things didn’t work out. And I smile and I change the subject. Or I say something about incompatibility…I try to be nice. I try not to say anything derogitory. I TRY!!! But sometimes I wanna tell the truth. So here goes. The truth. The truth from my perspective.

So, I met a guy a couple of months back. He and I met on one of those days. You know, a day when my self esteem was up there. When my hair looked right and my jeans were fitting extra-extra!! And for a topper, I was suppose to be headed out of town to meet up with that guy that… sigh!! Stay on topic, Chic! Anyways, so I meet him at a bar, he’s with his friend, I’m with mine. I walked in on some crazy boy talk. I didn’t care, I jumped right in. Physically, dude was my type. No need to get into the characteristics, name your type, draw a picture and imagine!!

So, I don’t know how we start talking about people, relationships & expectations, but I break down my expectations. HONESTY! I break it down, don’t tell me what you think I want to hear, I say, tell me the truth. Man up!! He says yeah right, girls always say that and I am not falling into that trap! I laugh, shrug and explain that unlike most, I can handle the truth better than I can handle surprises and at the end of the day I am no girl! I am a grown ass woman who has no time for boys or their games. I want a man who can man up so that I can be the chick in the relationship.

Be vulnerable, let him take care of me, no, not pay for me! I got that handled! I break it down further by explaining that I can handle a lot of things. I can balance a checkbook, change a tire, cook dinner, clean house and take care of my own needs if necessary. But I know that there are things that a relationship can bring to the table that I can’t handle by myself! Duh!!! Companionship, a road dog, partnership, kisses and all that good-good!!

Time passes, watching movies, late night cuddles, makin’ out, the whole bit!! The reason things didn’t work out? He forgot to mention that he had his wings clipped by a girl and they hadn’t grown back! Grow some new ones dude!

Lesson Learned

I haven’t always had a great time, I have had rough patches in my life filled with the type of crap that could fell a dam elephant. Pounce-Pounce-Pounce

It’s kinda crazy, that I have made that analogy multiple times in my history and it wasn’t till very recently that I saw how true it really was…

Expectation can be a bit of a bitch, it is the thing that makes you truly believe that things will be different this time. How many of us are honestly surprised to do the same old-same old and get the same crappy results that we got the last 2 billion times? Well, I am no exception. I am a fruit cake, I should be cooked, wrapped in pretty paper, put into a pretty tin, stuck in the mail and then be mistakenly lost for thinking things would be different simply because I REALLY WANTED THEM TO BE.

How many of us do it? Here is my story…year after year I hae maintained a friendship that seemed unhealthy. I kept it current. I let things fester. I let myself be hurt. Repeatedly. I have a clue, normally. I have backbone, naturally. I am opinionated. I don’t back up and yet and yet and yet. I let this person repeatedly get away with being inappropriate. That’s not to say that I never let the person know…

It’s really to say that I got so tired of telling the person about their inappropriateness that eventually I became lax. I ignored it as a character trait, excused it as a flaw. Eventually realizing the person would never-ever change and the catalyst for change had to be me. Could I change? And so I did!

I made an executive decision not to allow words to hurt me, not all words not from all people but at least the words from this particular person. I decided to take stock of my boundaries, set them, mold them and pull them close around me. I began to protect my self. I decided to start easy, you know, determining that leverage and ammunition were mine to share or to hold. I could continue to give this individual personal access to my life, my stories, my hurts and pains and then act surprised when they were used against me in a court of life or I could put a blanket around my life and snuggle under it, in a layer of protection from outside forces and influences. Stomp-Stomp-Stomp

Know what I noticed, realized even? That if I kept my mouth shut sometimes the likelihood of being hurt decreased. I locked my door, shut off the light, closed the windows…

Did I mention shutting off the light so people wouldn’t even know I was home?…

Turns out I have a problem with boundaries, I am a true Gemini and took my life to the other extreme. It became unhealthy. I spoke to my mom about it, or she spoke to me about it and her suggestion was kinda cool. She said: Open a window and turn on a light dummmmmmmy! Turn on the light so YOU can see, so you can find a clue. And open a window, so some people, the ones that count, the ones that matter can pull a ladder up to it when you need/want to talk! She is right. Don’t tell her, but sometimes, I’ve now even gotten to the point where I open the door for a little while and let people inside, not everyone gets a pass though! Lesson Learned.

And I Wondered Why

Do you realize that everything that happens in the present is affected by your past? I’ve been thinking about my choices, particularly the men I choose to spend time with. This is what I’ve come to realize.

Pariguallos! About all of them. They have a lot of common ground. I run things. They let me. I am stronger. They let me prey on their weakness. I am quick to run away if I even feel a hint of an emotional attachment! I get to sit back and watch the confusion on their faces. I do ANYTHING I have to do to get away cleanly!

I have lied and pretended to have real feelings for guys who are scared of commitment (I was bored and didn’t know how to tell him). I have pretended true attraction, bordering on physical infatuation for a guy who declared celibacy (Sorry, you were right, I was really with my ex). I have been totally honest to a guy who couldn’t handle it (yeah I REALLY didn’t want to be with him). I’ve gotten tired of stalkers and crazies so I’ve even gotten good at seeing the signs and making them feel they walked away.

It’s funny that the mere mention of true commitment: implied, exagerated or confused can push me over the edge. A friend says that I am a habitual run away. I run and I hide as soon as I can! I realized why. I am still in the grieving stage…

Crazy thing is, it’s not the failed marriage with the cheating husband that I am grieving (1998-2006). It’s not the long term boyfriend that came before him that I am grieving (1994-1996). I am still in the healing process from an abusive relationship that happened way back when (1994).

That pain, that grief, that feeling still makes me cold. Still makes me run away. Still makes me hide in my room. Still makes distances skewed. Still makes forests, woods, parks a place of fear. Heart palpitating. Nerves jiggling. Teeth chattering. Earth standing still. FEAR!

Love Leftover

Okay, here goes.  People, myself included have no clue about how a person really feels.  How they feel deep down low.  On the inside.  In their insides.  In their soul.

What love leftover feels like as it sits and simmers and lays.  Flat.  In your belly.  In your stomach.  In your heart.

People will never really get it.  It.  That thing that gets you up late at night with sweats that are undetermined.  Impossible to explain.  Can’t be taken away.  Terrors that leave you confused.  As you realize even the person who you share that love with may never know.

Not in life.  Maybe in death.  If lucky, finally in death it will be picture perfect and finally understood.  My love for you feels like that.  Confused, confusing.  Real, really.  True and just for you.

Originally posted by Elly: 9November2009 on turtlegirl1976.wordpress.com

Is your past worth my future?

So liking a person wont heal them.  Wouldn’t that be an awesome have happence?  I like you, so all your past pains hurts struggles gone

instead, liking a person means deciding: can their past be a part of my future? will their past be a negative, a deterent on my present? can their past be worth the changes that will become a new me?

As posted by Elly: 11/03/2009 on turtlegirl1976.wordpress.com